No condom In Relationship – Will I Be OK?

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Many of us have accepted condoms as part of our sex life when we’re having casual sex outside of relationships, but it’s not unusual for guys who usually use condoms to stop using them when they get serious in a relationship.

Whether the relationship is monogamous or not, some guys feel that they’re willing to accept the risk of not using condoms with the person they’re in a relationship with, especially if they have an agreement about what kind of sex happens outside of the relationship. This is sometimes called ‘negotiated safety’.

When you agree to give up condoms, you’re also giving up some control over managing your own risk. That requires having a lot of trust in your partner.

Here are some things to keep in mind if you’re considering negotiated safety.

  • Talk about it first. A decision to drop condom use in your relationship requires open and honest talk about what kind of relationship each partner truly wants, and discussion about each other’s HIV status, now and in the future.
  • Condomless sex is not an expectation in any relationship, regardless of length, seriousness or commitment. Don’t feel pressured into giving up condoms if you don’t want to. This is important to remember especially when you use online sex dating apps (information about which you can find on this Sex Blog). If you feel forced by your partner, make sure that you let them know how you feel about not using condoms.
  • Don’t feel pressured into a type of relationship you don’t want either. Don’t pressure your partner into a relationship he doesn’t want, whether it’s monogamous or non-monogamous. Be aware what an abusive relationship looks like, and that most people in abusive relationships deny it. Click Here for more information.
  • Make your agreement with your partner clear and practical in terms of what kind of sex is allowed and with whom, and what consequences there will be that are realistic for both partners.
  • Get tested for HIV and other STIs. Be sure you’re making this decision based on the most up-to-date information. Keep getting tested on a regular basis.
  • Know all the risks. Maybe your agreement includes condom use with others only when you’re fucking. That reduces your risk for HIV, but you’re still at risk for other STIs that can be transmitted through oral sex.
  • Be prepared to start using condoms again. You might break your agreement with your partner. You might do something risky. You might have sex with others even though you agreed not to. In this situation, you’ll need to find a way to tell him so you can both re-negotiate your safety. So talk to your partner about what you’ll do if either one of you slips up, or suspects that he has an STI.
  • Breaking an agreement doesn’t mean the relationship is over. Be willing to extend the same understanding to your partner that you would expect extended to yourself. If your partner tells you that he has broken your agreement, it could be because he cares about you and doesn’t want to put you at risk.
  • You might not know what your partner is actually doing. Sometimes we make assumptions that our partners are monogamous or non-monogamous. Sometimes we break agreements. Sometimes he won’t tell you. Are you willing to accept the risk?

Gay and bi guys have pioneered new ways of thinking about sexual and romantic relationships. Whether a guy wants to be monogamous or non-monogamous, neither is a reflection of his commitment to his relationship. Some guys find it difficult to sustain monogamous relationships over the long-term, so opening up the relationship to other sexual partners can be a way for them to preserve the relationship.

Source: Thesexyouwant

Action for AIDS – MSM Programme

Address: 9 Kelantan Lane #03-01
Singapore 208628Tel : (65) 6254 0212Fax :(65) 6256 5903
Email : daniel.le@afa.org.sg

Top 10 Qualities of Successful Gay Couples

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In the world full of homophobia and discrimination, growing up gay can be the hardest thing to conquer for some of us. The combination of punitive laws, the lack of better understanding due to ignorance and a spiral of silence, gay men have been systematically excluded from accessing services and enjoying the same equal rights that majority of the citizens are entitled too. In a society that has little tolerance of our love, it becomes difficult to maintain a long healthy relationship.

The lack of positive role models of gay couples in the public sphere that provides hope and life lessons for successful, lasting relationships, where gay men can mirror or reflect on. As men, the society and media expects us to be masculine and be responsible for our family too. We are also conditioned to not exhibit any weakness or emotions, thus the vicious cycle of expectation and conditioning further affects many gay men’s self esteem too.

Yet, through all of these, many couples have created their own blue-print for a healthy long term relationship, sure any relationships comes with its own fights and bickering, but they have found ways to cope, stay together, support each other and grow their lives together.

Here is GayHealth.sg’s top 10 characteristics for a successful relationship. It doesn’t mean it is suitable for everyone, but this is a good starting point. Build on your own list and share with us in the comments.

1. They shared similar interests and outlooks.

Similar does not equate to being the same. We’ve found that successful couples share relatively similar (yet different) interests e.g. love to travel, but doing different things while traveling is an example. It doesn’t mean every interests have to be the same or else it’s boring. Bring your own interests into the relationship.

2. They communicate openly.

Not just about the day to day subjects but also openly about sex, including the different kinds of sex, sex outside of the relationship and what each expect form the relationship.

3. They have a supportive network of family and friends who honour their relationship.

Continue to keep your friends and family close even in a relationship. Too many people fail to acknowledge the importance of their support network and stops all contact with their friends. Friends are also a great sounding board, that provides a different views when you a conflict arise with you and your partner.

4. They have a balanced lifestyle that comprises of both individual and couple identities.

Me time. You don’t have to do everything together. Keep some of your lifestyle with your friends and family also.

5. They have fun with life and try not to take things so seriously.

Do laugh at each often and always remember don’t take things seriously.

6. They enjoy a sensual and sexual camaraderie that helps them to meet their erotic potential.

Just because you are together it doesn’t mean your sex life should die. Help each other fulfill the fantasies by communicating openly and trying various positions and sex toys like dolls (for more info, click here).

7. They know how to manage conflicts.

Don’t fight over little things!!!! Listen and offer support when needed AND always take your partner’s side when he needs you.

8. They are comfortable with their sexuality and not afraid to show it.

Once you come out as openly gay, the rest will follow. Some people who came out said that they don’t need to worry about it and focus on other things in life. This is all depend on you and when you/partner is ready.

9. Have positive outlook and energy.

I don’t need to say more about this.

10. Don’t take each other for granted.

Nothing last forever even your long term partner. Keep in mind that we have our own personal live and that we also share with someone. Don’t take anyone for granted!

If you are unsure about your relationship, then you need to talk to your partner and see where you two can work out the minor/major issues. Remember, you need to find people who connect with you and want to be with you. It’s a long journey so enjoy every minute of it.

 

Once again, this list isn’t exhaustive and may not be suitable for everyone, but this is a good starting point. Share with us what worked and what didn’t in the comments below. Remember to share too!!!

A Good Handjob

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A Good “Hand Job” is Hard to Find

I remember a very good friend who will regularly caters to all my needs. He would often know exactly when my body starts craving for his touch, even when there is a lack of verbal communication. He knew where and how to get a respond from my body, simply by touching me.

He is the only guy I know who gained great satisfaction from watching another person moan out in pleasure or scream out “oh my f-ing god” when he rolled his oiled palms on their naked back. If you thought I was talking about something else; then, sorry to disappoint you, but I was talking about getting a good massage.

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A good masseuse is hard to find, yet receiving a good massage is one of the richest, intimate, human connection two people can share. Often we forget how another person’s hands can relief us from the stress in our body.

So, we conducted a massage workshop last Thursday (7 Aug 2014) and 16 turned up for this unique, kinky yet safe event. Participants were given a short crash course on simple massage techniques and were sent off in pairs , so they could practice on their partner.

It was very interesting to observe how (with much shyness and giggling) as the group started to introduce themselves, and their body to their partner. Yet once the lights were dimmed, the room went silent, and every one focused on delivering the best they could. Towards the end, everyone was relaxed, and comfortable with themselves and their body to mingle and share their experiences with the group and trainer. If you missed this workshop, be sure to connect with our Facebook, Twitter or bookmark gayhealth.sg and receive updates for future workshops.

 Here are testimonials from the participants:

“Thank you for initiating and leading this workshop. It was a great learning experience. I found it very well conducted, engaging, and enriching. I’ll definitely apply what I learned there. Looking forward to the next workshops”

Zaki

“The trainer’s candor and professionalism made it easy for us to let go of our inhibitions, and I learned a lot about myself- such as that I’m pretty good at giving massages, it seems. :)”

And

“I feel certain that these new skills will stop my boyfriend from cheating on me.”

D.G 

 Upcoming Workshops

Indignation x Gayhealth.sg

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Seminar- Coffee, Tea or PrEP/PEP

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Mind, Body and Soul – Learning to do self care

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Sexually Transmitted Infections

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HIV 101 & Pre-Pink Dot Gathering

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Sexually Transmitted Infections(STIs) Workshop

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A Good Handjob

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Relationship Series #3

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Relationship Series #4

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Contact Us

Relationship Series #1 (Updated)

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He loves me, he loves me not – The dos and don’ts of dating

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Showered check, new tighty whitie check, spray on new cologne check, wallet, phone, mints, condom and lube check, check, and check. Dating can be less scary and nerve wrecking if you are the experienced kind, but for the newbies, we tend to ask ourselves too many questions, “what happened, will he call, he is not texting me back, why why why?” The worst is “Oh shoot I didn’t use the condom” and lucky enough most of us don’t have to worry about this part of dating or do we? This is a good time to learn and explore from each other about the dos and don’ts of dating and also how to give and handle rejection in a classy way. After all, we are classy!

When: Saturday Aug. 23 (Completed)

Where: AFA office 9 Kelantan Lane #05-01 S208628

Time: 6pm-9pm

Light refreshment will be provided

Please register as soon as you can due to limited space. Thanks. 

Here are the photos during our Relationship Series #1 ( Do’s and Don’ts)

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What is your single song?

Registration for Relationship Workshop 1

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Relationship Series #3

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He’s not my daddy, He’s not son – Intergenerational Relationship

Intergenerational

 

When we see a couple who doesn’t fit into our “normal” standard of a couple, we seem to questions about their power dynamic and how often the younger men are being taking advantage of by the more matured men.  Some men do seek out other that are not the same age as them for many reasons i.e. financial assistance, companionship, knowledge and advice on life/career, etc.  Whatever the age gap, there needs to be a discussion about age of consent, sexual dynamic when negotiating safer sex for both men and proving the validity of the relationship itself.

 

When: Saturday Oct.11

Where: AFA office 9 Kelantan Lane #05-01 S208628

Time: 6pm-9pm

Light refreshment will be provided

Please register as soon as you can due to limited space. Thanks. 

 

 

Registration for Relationship Workshop 3

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Relationship Series #2 ( Completed)

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1 Ship, 2 ships, 3relationship – Open relationship

Open-relationship

 

 

My 3some confession:

 

In my early 20 something I thought life was going well for me, my body was taking form, my college year was almost done and as an openly gay man, I thought I had it all. I would frequent the bars and clubs on a weekly basis looking for relationship where it would often end up with just random hook ups.

I would regularly have one night stands without any commitments for a relationship, until one day they came along. This couple in their early 30’s spoke to me in a club and later brought me back to their place for drinks and of course sex. I stayed till the next day and realized that I was sleeping in between them with their arms wrapped mine. When I woke up one of the guy rolled over to hug me and gently kissed me on my cheek which we end up having sex again.

We got up to shower together, ate breakfast together and went for coffee together. I ended up hanging out with them the whole Sunday and stayed over for dinner. As I left the house, I felt warm, “love” and excitement filled with anticipation of meeting them again.  For five months I was with them every weekend as if they were my part time boyfriends and then something happened.  I wasn’t being included anymore with their plans or being asked to visit them at their place.

The communication went quiet and I felt as the world had stopped. I wanted answers but being young then I blamed myself for not being good enough. It took me a long time to understand the complexity of an open relationship. What two people in the relationship discussed about and what was negotiated and sometime it doesn’t include you in the conversation can be frustrating and upsetting.

I have learnt now that it is much more complicated for any couple who are in a long term relationship where sex seems to slowly diminish. I too understand the situation of that couple I met in the earlier part of my life because I am also in that situation now.

In my long term relationship, I’ve been wondering what makes my relationship last this long and what makes me want to go further?  There are many things to learn on how to maintain or keep a long term relationship but it was not taught to me so I would have to learn it as it happened.  I can tell you now that  7 years there are questions that was easily can be answered alone and some still need both of us to answers together.

There are so many questions that a couple or individuals would ask when they’re in a long term relationship. Relationship is not always about sex, but the journey both take together and that could include sex. We will constantly challenge each other but if your relationship is worth keeping then the journey will be fun and fulfilling.

We often see many couples who are happy with their relationships and lasting for a very long time. How do they maintain this type of relationship especially when most of the guys you know can’t even hold down a relationship? What is the secret if there is any for us to learn and explore. Relationship is one of the hardest things in life because you are sharing your life with by compromising your freedom to be with that person. How communication plays out between the two people to navigate around HIV/STIs is also a very important matter.

This workshop is for people who are interested in discussing and exploring what a healthy relationship looks like through different exercises by practicing communication skills whether it is a monogamous or polygamous relationship.

 

When: Saturday Sept 20
Where: AFA office 9 Kelantan Lane #05-01 S208628

Time: 6pm-9pm Light refreshment will be provided

Please register as soon as you can due to limited space. Thanks. 

 

 

Registration for Relationship Workshop 2

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Relationship Series #4

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“My Heart Will Go On” – Coping with breakups and separation

 

It is never easy for anyone who is going through a breakup when the separating decision was not theirs to make. No one said that breaking up is easy especially when you are on the receiving end. How do we tell ourselves that life will go on when we are lost and alone? This workshop will help us understand the coping mechanisms that we all have deep down inside. How can we train ourselves to understand the signs so that we can be more aware of our peers when they are facing similar situations? All new beginning will start somewhere, but we all must find our paths to recovery and carry on. [/av_one_half]

When: Saturday Oct. 25

Where: AFA office 9 Kelantan Lane #05-01 S208628

Time: 6pm-9pm

Light refreshment will be provided

Please register as soon as you can due to limited space. Thanks. 

Your all time break up songs.

 

Registration for Relationship Workshop 4

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